Jesus, Our Remedy and Rest {DWITW 365}
I’ve never been good at resting. My sleep at night is fitful at best because my mind is constantly spinning. I’m always thinking over conversations from earlier in the day, imagining a dozen different scenarios that could happen, but probably won’t . . . but still, they could. In my mind, I’m participating in discussions I’ve already had, but this time when I replay them I’m not sticking my foot in my mouth or stuttering over my words, trying to avoid tears. I stay up considering all the ways I might actually be draining (like people have told me) and then I internalize the deep sadness that comes with such knowledge.
So I sleep at night, but fitfully. I’m a better napper than a sleeper, if I can be honest. Naps come swift, because I’ve been running a marathon in my brain from the night before and there’s really only so much for which caffeine can compensate. And so, I face many days with a weariness that feels heavy enough to bend my neck uncomfortably. Add to that chronic anxiety, and getting out of bed on most mornings feels like an astronomical athletic feat I won’t ever possess the prowess to overcome. Needless to say, I am tired.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me – watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace… Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11: 28-30 (MSG)
I wrote this version of Scripture on a bright, yellow Post-It and put it in my Bible. I suppose when I first read The Message translation, I wanted to remember the breath of relief I took. I can imagine I felt a great sense of surrender, placing it in my worn Bible.
Even in the darkness, I know He longs to be this and so much more to anyone who will seek Him.
On good days, when I am not only thinking about how Jesus is my resting place, but am believing it, too, I turn to these words and trust that He is the only one who can teach me about free and light living. But... we can be honest with each other, right, ladies? Most days, I’m just chanting Jesus is my resting place for fear I will forget it entirely in the midst of rushing to keep up, sprinting to correct, and longing to not be so crippled with self-doubt all the time.
It is quite difficult for me to wrap my head around a God who asks me to keep company with Him. Some days I believe it, and it makes me think faith means that there will be days the wrestling is less, and days when the wrestling is all-encompassing. Currently, I’m in a season of all-encompassing. But I turn to look at that yellow Post-It note in my worn down Bible and I feel Jesus nudging me with particular words:
Recover. He breaks through the cacophonous drone of words and names that have been slung at me, the ones that leech onto the skin and set up house. Little one, I’ll recover who you really are from the piles of lies you’ve allowed yourself to be buried beneath. I am your recovery.
Real. He stands tall and true in the face of the tension between the reality He writes and the reality I’m believing. Hey, sister, I am the real deal and I know all your real, too. Every bump and struggle and scar – I’ve got you seconds before you do what you’re considering and I’ll catch you in the aftermath of whatever happens. I am your reality.
Company. He is relational. He is the best relationship. And He wants to have relationship with everyone. I think this is what breaks my heart wide open more than anything. When the world, when people in my world, are scolding and correcting or telling me that I’m not enough or too much, Christ is sitting on the couch out in the living room waiting for me to curl up. My girl, stop fighting, stop racing, just stop. I am your safe zone. I want to keep you company.
I don’t know that I’ll ever have this rest thing figured out, or if I’ll ever be so confident in my identity in Christ that stinging words won’t leave marks, but if I’m going to be tired, I want it to be because I’ve fought to find in Jesus my recovery, my reality, and my best company. Even in the darkness, I know He longs to be this and so much more to anyone who will seek Him. May we all find space today to confess our exhaustion to our Father and ask Him boldly to be our remedy.
Steph Duff wants to live in a world where every human, whether small or regular-sized, learns to use their voice and is seen and known. When she's not traveling and story telling with Back2Back Ministries, you'll likely find her drinking excessive cups of coffee, with her nose in a book, or daydreaming about India. Her favorite scripture is Habakkuk 1:5, and she prays for a world in which Jesus is the name on every lip. Learn a little more about her love for semi-colons, what stirs her blood, and the yearnings of her heart over at www.stephaniduff.wordpress.com.