Today’s team journal was written by our Content Director, Jillian Vincent.

I’ve been waiting for a miracle. God has made me a mother to four small children who need everything from me, including a lot of discipline. I’ve come to the Lord and fasted over my inadequacies. I’ve asked for prayer. I’ve struggled a lot, and still do, with the sin of anger in motherhood, and have asked for God to change me on multiple occasions. 

He brought me to this passage in James. 

James 4:6-8 ESV
But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”

I’ve been praying for His grace and believing it is greater than my failures. I’ve been asking Him to help me resist the devil in the times of my highest temptation. I’ve been trying to pray specifically over the times when I’m most triggered - times when we are rushed to get out the door, times when I’m hangry, times when everyone is crying or needs something, times when my house is a complete disaster. All these situations are times when I find myself most weak and quick to anger. 

As I’ve been meditating on James, however, the Holy Spirit has revealed to me that although I’ve been practicing part of the Scripture, I have neglected to submit to God. This has distanced us instead of allowing me to draw near. I’ve been expecting Him to do all the work, but I haven’t submitted my whole self. Indeed, it is the Holy Spirit that creates change, but it does require submission on my part to do so. 

God is disciplining me for godliness and asking me to submit my phone.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.
proverbs 12:1 ESV

My phone has become a great distraction  from my children. When I’m present with them, I can decrease the amount of triggers to both their anger, and mine. When I choose to pray instead of reaching for my phone in the quiet moments, I’m drawing near to the Lord, and He is drawing near to me. When I put boundaries on when and how long I can be on my phone, I’m submitting to the discipline of the Lord and saying being with Him is better than whatever FOMO (fear of missing out) I’m experiencing. When I’m with my children, I’m really WITH them, as I’m also accepting the WITHNESS of God. Submitting to God is always to our benefit, as it increases the intimacy we have with Him, and as a result, richens our intimacy with others. Just as my sin affects not just myself, but everyone in my life negatively, I’ve found submission affects not only me, but everyone in my life positively. 

Putting down my phone feels easy on a Monday, when I’m fresh and rested from Sabbath. But it is quite a bit harder by Wednesday when I’m tired and realizing I’ve been relying on my own strength. When we are disciplined by the Lord, we also become dependent on Him. I have realized how weak I am, but I also see everyday how strong the Lord is. Day by day, He changes me as I am dependent on Him. What grace. 

As He has been disciplining me in this specific way, I’ve started to realize other areas in my life I need His discipline. I’ve been submitting my time and my budget. As a result, confession has increased, and I’m really humbled by the reality of my sin and the dumbfounding reality of His grace. Disciplining my children has become less overwhelming as I, too, have been simultaneously submitting to the discipline of the Lord. 

Discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness
1 Timothy 4:7b NASB

This is not a journal dedicated to the evils of technology. I believe God intends to use my phone for His glory, which is why He is training me for godliness. I use my phone to ask for prayer, to write thoughts that come to me throughout the day which remind me of the Lord, to take pictures, and yes, to check social media according to some more specific boundaries. We are not under law, but under grace, and this grace compels us to submit to the discipline of the Lord in everything. 

God, you have my everything. I give you my phone, my time, my money, my relationships, my mothering, my past, present, and future. Thank you for your grace over my failures and for your Holy Spirit’s constant presence with me and power to change my life. Thank you for submitting everything, your very life, so that I could live. I pray these submissions would bless my family and my community and make my life a fragrant offering to You and for You. Thank you, Jesus, for Your discipline.

And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.
Hebrews 12:5-6 ESV

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Jillian Vincent loves Jesus. She's a wife, a mother of boys, and a Dayton enthusiast. Jillian currently is a stay at home mama and spends nap times writing and discipling other women. She would (almost) die for an avocado, a cup of coffee made by her husband, a novel that makes her cry, and a bouquet of sunflowers.

This week's Team Journal is written by our Team Lead and beloved sister, Natalie Herr.

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“She who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives.”

— 1 Timothy 5:6

It's 4:45 on a Thursday afternoon. The toddler is in the playroom fussing, the baby could wake up any minute, the 5-year-old is alone in the kitchen doing who-knows-what and the 7-year-old is tapping his pencil and humming at the same time. In the time it's taken to type this sentence, the toddler has moved on from her fit and found a harmonica (SEND HELP). It's 4:49 on a Thursday afternoon and I can barely hear myself think. 

This season of life is all over the place for me. Some days, it's chaotic and confusing. Some days, it's joyful and life-giving. Most days, it's all of those things and everything in between (including total exhaustion). I know God is with me and I hear him speaking, but his voice is often muffled by all the other noises swirling around me. He's pouring into me, He's teaching me, He's showing me things in bits and pieces. But my failing human mind struggles to put the pieces together into something coherent. I can't seem to get past all the noise. I have a sense of where He is leading me, but I can't put my finger on it with full confidence.

Things are cloudy. Disconnected. Out of focus. But I know He is at work. Here are some of the bits and pieces of truth I've been finding in the fog. 

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He is at work, showing me my need for self-discipline.

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That scripture right up there, 1 Timothy 5:6, just jumped out from the page last week and bit me. My flesh wanted only to ask, "Am I self-indulgent?" But immediately, the Spirit answered that with a resounding "You're a human, so YES." The question became: "Where am I self-indulgent? Where am I a dead woman walking?" Other words for indulgent include overly generous, permissive, lenient, tolerant, liberal; none of which I want to be with my natural, sinful self. I don't want to indulge my flesh! Paul warns us against that business in Galatians 5. The flesh is a mess. I want to be be walking ALIVE with the Spirit! So I've got to take off any self-indulgent passions I see in my life, and that requires self-discipline. 

This is where I say, "How, God? How can I start any new disciplines now when everything seems so crazy?" Well, God knows what I need. Maybe some order and discipline in my spiritual life will yield similar fruit in my home.

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He is at work, teaching me about mortification.

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Have you guys heard of this thing called "mortifying" our sin? Killing it? Hating it? Taking it off and putting it away? Fighting against it with vigor? My guess is you have. Like I said before, if I want to be rid of the sins and indulgences in my life, then I need self-discipline. But what will fuel that self-discipline? What will my motivation be? I think I've got to see the ugliness of my sin and hate it enough to want it gone. As John Owen says in The Mortification of Sin, "be killing sin or it will be killing you." YIKES.

Earlier this week, I texted a friend on this topic. I was weary with the weight of self-discipline; hating how hard the work of mortification felt. I told her that taking off the old self felt like peeling off a wet suit; and that putting on the new self felt like buttoning up a wedding dress with one million buttons. The wedding seems very far away.

Killing sin is work. Hard work. But it is work I don't take on alone and I don't do it in my own power. It is the Spirit in me doing the work. It is the Spirit in me that decides not to say that rude comment to my husband or indulge in that extra snack I don't need. It is the Spirit in me doing it all. 

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He is at work, showing me more of himself.

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So I'm over here wrestling with the self-discipline thing, feeling like there are a million areas of my life to bring into order. I've got no idea where to start or how to start or what I'm supposed to be doing. What few coherent thoughts I have are quickly interrupted by baby cries or children's needs or my own need for sleep. 

But, God! He sees me. He knows I can only handle the bits and pieces right now. He gives me little tiny gifts in Scripture to keep me afloat. He focuses my eyes back on himself. And He gives me this little gem in 2 Timothy:

“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God...for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

— 2 Timothy 1: 6-7

I've got the spirit of self-control in me already? SAY WHAT?! Because God's Spirit lives in me, I have divine access to discipline and self-control. I can make wise choices. I can do what God is calling me to do. I won't reach perfection anytime soon, but I can make progress. I can walk in righteousness. I can choose to be a vessel of honor, set apart as holy and useful to God, ready for every good work (2 Tim. 2:20-21). Because of the Spirit in me, the character traits that I am called to in Scripture are possible for me, even if they seem out of reach at times (I'm looking at you, patience.)

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He is at work; giving me grace.

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In the course of writing this post, I've failed multiple times in my battle against sin. I've given in. I've wondered if I can really change. I've wondered if I should even be writing these bits and pieces down for others to read. But the Lord is near. He is here in my failure. He deals exclusively with sinners; my mistakes are not surprising to him. (Neither are yours.)

I feel weak and ill-equipped, but I know he is at work. 

I can walk through these foggy days with the Spirit, trusting him to lead me and help me and equip me. I can believe that some day soon, my mind will clear up and he'll put all the bits and pieces together. I can fail and not despair because I get new mercies every day. And I can enjoy the small moments and tiny truths. He is at work.

Lord, this prayer is for all the scattered minds. All the weary hearts. All the foggy souls. Help us, Father, to take off the old self and put on the new. Show us our sin, help us to hate it, encourage us to fight against it and flee far from it. Help us to live out our calling; help us when the dying-to-ourselves part of following you feels extra painful. Help us when we feel confused and we don't see the way. Help us to pick up self-control and love and kindness and compassion and patience and all-the-good-things even when they feel really heavy. Strengthen our hands so that the lifting and putting on of the good things gets easier the more we practice. You are everything and you are at work. We need you every hour. Come back soon.

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Natalie Herr is the founder and team leader of Dayton Women in the Word. She is a servant of God, a wife, and a mom of four. She loves teaching and equipping women with God's Word. And she could really use a nap.