Today's team journal was written by our Conference Co-coordinator, Kacey Dixon.

This year has been shaped by disappointment and loss for our family. Between losing my father to a battle with addiction and cancer, to leaving our church home of seven plus years, we have experienced the sting loss can bring. With that being said, it has also been filled with sanctification, growth, and learning to be satisfied in the riches of Christ.

Paul’s Example

Ephesians 3:7-8 tells us,
“Of this gospel I was made a minister according to the gift of God's grace, which was given me by the working of his power. To me, though I am the very least of all the saints, this grace was given, to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,” 

Paul was writing to the Church in Ephesus, and at the beginning of Ephesians greets them with all “grace and peace.” In these few short verses we see Paul’s humility, as he refers to himself as the least of all the saints. We see he was to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ. The great mystery of the Gospel was now to be revealed to the Gentiles. Paul, who once violently persecuted early Christians (Galatians 1:13,) is now proclaiming the Good News of the Gospel for all people, Jew and Gentile alike! He is to teach that the riches of Christ are so deep, so many, so unfathomable that they are unsearchable. We could search infinitely but never fully find all of His many riches. He is infinite and we are finite.

Paul, who once persecuted believers, was able to fully realize his desperate condition without the forgiveness of Christ. He was able to see the grace and peace that Christ offers. He was to exhort those he once persecuted, the grace and forgiveness that God offers us through Christ. Oh, how the grace of God was made known through Paul’s life.

If anyone had a reason to feel the sting of loss, it would have been Paul, as he wrote the letter to the Church of Ephesus during one of his many imprisonments. Instead, Paul teaches in Philippians 4, that the secret to the contentment he has found, is in the strength of Christ and rejoicing in Him (Philippians 4:4-13.)

Riches of Christ

So what exactly are some of these riches of Christ Paul is referring to? We know they are infinite and worthy of seeking after. This list is just a few of the many, unsearchable treasures we have in Christ.

1. Our Greatest Treasure

Jesus Christ, God’s gift to man, is and should be our greatest treasure and greatest delight in this life. The mystery of the Gospel revealed to man, that Jesus, fully God and fully man would humble Himself to come to this earth and live a life we never could and die a death we fully deserve, so we can be in right relationship with the Father. The richness to this treasure could be infinitely explored and never exhausted. We can understand Paul’s humility when we see the grace God has lavished upon us. He is foremost our greatest gift. We do not come to Jesus for the gifts He brings, rather He is the gift. All of the other gifts or riches He offers us are simply reflections of Himself.

2. His love, His grace, His peace, His mercy, His kindness

These are just a few of the riches in Christ we have once we have experienced the forgiveness of our sins and reconciliation with the Father. We are so undeserving of His kindness which leads us to repentance. We are so undeserving of His grace and mercy He offers in salvation and the forgiveness and forbearance that comes in our sanctification. When we fail and need forgiveness, and He forgives (John 1:1,) we taste first-hand the goodness of Christ.

3. His knowledge and truth

The last treasure in Christ I want to speak on is His infinite knowledge and wisdom. (Psalm 139:6) God knows all, sees all, is in control of all. Difficult times point us to the One who created us and is in control of all things, so we don’t have to be in control. We can surrender to a God who sees all, knows all, and loves. All pointing us back to the Father, showing our dependency upon Him. There is no real truth or knowledge apart from the knowledge and truth of Christ. This brings great comfort during times of difficulty. At least it has for me.

Being Satisfied in His Riches

When I lost my father to his battle with addiction and cancer, I could entrust my soul to my faithful Creator who knows all things. I was reminded of my humble state before the Father, that He would even save a sinner like me. I can then rejoice in the grace He offers. The Spirit has been reminding me I need to be satisfied in Him, He is my greatest treasure, and greatest delight. Oh how I pray, that I would believe this and the Lord would help me believe it, in my unbelief. These life circumstances apply to my life, but maybe they can minister to yours as well.

So...

When you don’t get approved for that mortgage on your dream house…
lift your eyes from the temporal satisfactions of this world to the infinite and eternal riches of Christ.

When the Lord leads you to a new church after being somewhere for many years…
lift your eyes from the temporal satisfactions of this world to the infinite and eternal riches of Christ.

When your father loses the battle with cancer and addiction...
lift your eyes from the temporal satisfactions of this world to the infinite and eternal riches of Christ.

When you’ve lost your temper with your kids and said things you wish you could take back…
repent and lift your eyes from the temporal satisfactions of this world to the infinite and eternal riches of Christ. 

These examples are personal to my life, but throw in any assortment of earthly disappointment or sin we may experience here, and the same will apply. Even amidst abundant seasons of this life, not marked by difficulty or loss, we still must lift our eyes from the temporal satisfactions of this world to the infinite and eternal riches of Christ.

It is not always easy to lift our eyes from the “here” to the “not yet,” but my hope is that we may be women who can face any circumstantial difficulty, loss, or abundance this side of heaven with hope and ultimate satisfaction in Christ. He is our greatest treasure. May we never give up on discovering and searching for the infinite treasures He offers. May we look up from every situation to see Christ in all, and above all. May this comfort our hearts, and may we be satisfied in the never ending riches of Christ. May God be glorified in our satisfaction in Him. As John Piper says, “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” May this be true for my life and yours as well. 

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Kacey Dixon is a lover of Jesus, wife, stay-at-home mama of three and helps her husband run his small business. She loves coffee over ice and has a soft spot for helping broken women in need.

Nine years ago, a little boy was conceived. He would be the first to call me mother. Our clan has now grown to three, a boy and two girls. Truly a gift unmerited from the Lord. Still, I have found myself running to the Lord for wisdom, strength, and identity in motherhood. His grace and strength have delivered me from the pit many times. The Word of the Lord has sustained me in times of uncertainty, strife, misunderstanding, longing, sickness, and grief. It is grace for sanctification, that through my children, He parents me yet more. The knowledge that I am called to be an ambassador of Christ to my children takes away the burden of “making” perfect children. Instead, I walk alongside the Lord as I watch His grace call lost hearts, mold characters, and create pure hearts in my children. I will boast yet in my weakness as I parent, for when I am weak then He is strong.

So, this blessing is for new mom with expectant eyes, for the mom who faced a miscarriage, for the mom who daily remembers an abortion, for the mom whose arms are left empty to the death of their child, for the mom whose womb remains barren yet, for the mom who has experienced a failed adoption, and for the mom whose children came through adoption. This blessing is for the mothers aching for children separated from them, the mothers who feel less than, and for the mothers loving children whose birth families are in crisis. This blessing also reaches to the moms at different stages, the mom with busy toddlers, the mom with school-aged children testing their boundaries, and the mom with children leaving the nest. This blessing also belongs to the mom with a child whose rejection aches heavy, the grandmother who now finds herself raising another set of children, the mom caring for a child with an illness or special needs, the moms yet to be, and those who know or may not know that the calling of motherhood also beckons them.

Another facet of motherhood for me is the calling to make disciples. I do this around the table monthly, with beautiful women from around the city. My calling to spiritual motherhood began many  years. One of my greatest treats was to spend time with the older ladies at my church. I asked, listened, gleaned, but mainly watched as they lived a life worthy of the calling of God. So I began to pay attention to the ones younger than me. I spoke life over them, I listened to them, I encouraged them to seek the Lord. One of the ways I loved to do this was by writing poems for them, letting them know  I saw Jesus in them. I also pointed them to the Word of God, showing them how learning it and loving it had made all the difference for me. It had looked different at different times of my life, but now that I have reflected on those times, I pray I can incorporate them with my littles too. Revel in the calling of spiritual motherhood. Let it bring life to areas of your life that may have gone dormant. You will be nourished and the Lord’s provision will simply astound you.

So, Dear Hearts, the Lord and I have been thinking about you and we bless you.

A baby in arms a heart full
A smile that plays in the eyes
Unbelief that this one is yours and will call you mom
Blessed be the God who filled your womb
You are blessed mother, run to your strength.

A prayer sent to heaven above
A cry stifled with tears warm
What was to be
Has not come to pass
Blessed be the God who hears
You are blessed mother,
Morning, noon, and evening His ears hear your cry.

Unsteady you sit tears stream
Your heart yearning, longing
To be full just one more time
The emptiness threatens to overtake
Blessed be the God who sees
You are blessed mother,
His arms tenderly hold your broken heart.

A desert bare
A wilderness of unknown
Where is the promise of a life-giving womb?
Again confronted with a womb full
And your heart aches with longing at first
And then with desperation
Will it ever be?
Blessed be the God who knows
You are blessed mother,
For He makes known to you the path of life.

A gift given
To experience your spiritual adoption in the physical
Your heart swings open
And you embrace one whom your soul loves
Dissonance loud, mistake, I’m sorry…
No longer yours
Blessed be the God who predestines for adoption
You are blessed mother,
He chose you from the foundation of the earth - you are His.

A family but children- just a desire
A joy to be with friends and inhale their giggles full
The beautiful souls unclaimed
Your heart couldn’t resist
The whisper, Love them
So you do and your heart almost implodes
Blessed be the God whose joy is our strength
You are blessed mother,
In His presence there is fullness of joy forever more.

The baby is on the move
The days seem to stretch
But nights are short and mornings come quickly
Frazzled, dazed, tired, hungry
Don’t numb, distract , or give in to indulgence
Blessed be the God who gives rest
You are blessed mother,
He invites you to come bathe in His rhythms of grace - Sabbath

A child vocal and strong
Curious explorer setting his own boundaries
Testing and prodding in whiny vocabulary
Your triggered-buttons pushes
A sigh of exasperation escapes
Is this even worth it?
Blessed be the God who shepherds
You are blessed mother,
As you guide your child, so as a lamb your Heavenly Father guides you to Quiet waters and restores your soul.

The long days turn to short years
And you look up and the child is grown
Where has the time gone?
Could it be time to completely let go and let fly?
Blessed be the God who bids us follow
You are blessed mother,
For the same God who calls you to follow Him also calls your child.

Anger, resentment, rejection
Taking, withholding
Longing for a small piece - if even that
The longing of a sweet blossoming of friendship as you both grew up
Still just a longing
Blessed be the God who intercedes
You are blessed mother,
For you have an advocate who day and night intercedes for you and your son at the right hand of the Father.

Your grandchildren are a crown
But you did not anticipate their care
They have burrowed deep in your heart
Life is different than imagined
Though rich and full of joy
Blessed be the God who renews your strength
You are blessed mother,
For they who wait for the Lord shall run and not be weary.

Fear grips your heart
Disease, incurable, not sure - more tests
This babe was supposed to be whole and healthy
Your heart pounds
No control
Only trust
Blessed be the God who heals
You are blessed mother,
For He gave his only Son by whose stripes we are healed.

The refinement of motherhood
Is not exclusive
It draws and attracts
The giving of ourselves
The unveiling of our souls to each other
Spiritual motherhood a calling
Strong resilient and needed
Look around and take them in
The ones placed within your boundaries on purpose
Blessed be God who sets our times and spaces
You are blessed spiritual mother,
For He has caused your boundaries to fall in pleasant places; surely you have a delightful inheritance.

Rejoice!
Light up in smiles
Clap, sing, dance, create
The blessings you have received
Are good and gracious
In beholding them you find more intricacies of Christ
It is His grace and kindness that leads us to repentance
In Him you have received everything you need
Blessed be the God who is pleased to reveal
You are blessed mother,
For He has made known to you the mystery of His will according to His good pleasure!

After you finish reading this blessing take some time to sit and rest in the Lord. You are truly blessed.

When you are ready, take some time to look up the following Bible references. From the Word came the inspiration for how the Lord provides His grace in motherhood. The Word of God is alive and active, let it go deep into your heart and soul. In His grace, may the Word of God not return void but work in transformation for your sanctification. Glory to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit: as it was in the beginning, is now, and evermore shall be: world without end. Amen.

• Romans 8:34 ESV

• Isaiah 53:5 ESV

• Psalm 16:6 ESV

• 1 Timothy 4:12 NIV

• Proverbs 17:6 ESV

• Isaiah 40:31 ESV

• Psalms 68:6 NLT

• Titus 2:3-5 ESV

• Psalm 113:9 ESV

• Romans 9:8 ESV

• Psalm 139:13 NIV

• Psalm 127:3 ESV

• Psalm 18:1 NIV

• Psalm 55:17 NIV

• Genesis 16:13 NIV

• Ephesians 1:5 NIV

• Psalm 16:11 ESV

• Matthew 11:28-30 ESV (also read in the The Message paraphrase)

• Psalm 23:3 ESV

• Matthew 16:24 ESV

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Daisy Dronen is a bellwether table-gatherer who loves fresh cut flowers and reading. Always reading! She invites women to join her around the table, creating a beautiful space in which to disciple a generation. With If:Dayton, she has discovered that beholding each other leads to a deeper revelation of who Jesus is and who He says we are - all while enjoying delicious food together. As a woman, she knows that we can all fear rejection. But around the table, we can make room for everyone to feel welcomed and push past our fears as we dive into meaningful conversation. A few evenings a week Daisy turns in her mom cape for a white coat as a nurse supervisor at a hospital in Dayton, Ohio. Adventuring with the love of her life is one of her greatest pleasures - following Jesus is her #1 pleasure. Daisy was born in Honduras, raised in Texas, but Dayton, Ohio is home. She loves to travel, spend time in nature, and dream of more dancing opportunities. This year one of her goals is to use her writing and story to encourage others that their story has a purpose in life. She would love to meet you and have you join her for tea. You can catch glimpses of her life on Instagram @daisyfd or email her at daisy.dronen@icloud.com

Photo credit to Echo by Design

I remember attending several Christian events as a teen. There was always vibrant worship, excellent speakers, calls to action and the sharing of personal testimonies. I remember sitting and listening with rapt attention to the personal testimonies that were shared.  Stories of people who went from party-goer to all out Christ-follower. Stories of people who went from drug addicts to totally sober and clean. Stories of people who were wretchedly sick and God miraculously healed them. Even the story of the Apostle Paul, whose radical testimony declares him transformed from the biggest persecutor of Christians to one of the leaders of the very Church he once persecuted. It seemed like everywhere I looked, I heard radical stories of change and transformation that left me breathless and in awe of the powerful saving grace of Jesus Christ. And, if I’m being honest...these stories also always left me a little deflated. That’s amazing! That’s wonderful! That awe-inspiring! And then...there is me, and my story.

I was saved at the age of 4. I don’t even remember my “conversion experience,” but my Mom told me that I prayed with her. I grew up in a Christian home (as a missionary kid, no less). I had a rough patch in junior high where I was mean to other girls and too interested in other boys (you know, from a distance). Then, throughout high school, I always received awards like “Christian character” or “leader in service.” I then attended a Christian college, where I was involved in Bible Study leadership and any service opportunity I could get my hands on. At this Christian college, I met my Christian husband and we got married at the young age of 21. Obviously, we were virgins at our wedding. Our vows were Christian and our wedding was, too. Basically, I have always been the “perfect” Christian. With a really, really boring testimony. 

Or, so I thought. Until I come across a passage in Ephesians 2. At first glance, I find my thoughts surge with selfishness and a lack of understanding. Surely, this passage doesn’t apply to Christians like me. Dead in my transgressions? What transgressions? An object of wrath? For what? God’s enemy? Yeah, maybe when I was 3 and I wasn’t officially a Christian yet. 

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ…
ePHESIANS 2:4-5

And then it all comes to my mind - my testimony has nothing to do with me, namely what I have or haven’t done. It has nothing to do with my list of good deeds, or even bad deeds. It has nothing to do with how drastic the lifestyle change in my life may have been or not been. Instead, it has everything to do with Christ… - Him changing me at my deepest core.

Before the grace and sanctification of God was realized in my life (whether at 4 or 104!), I was dead (Eph 2:1). I was without hope. I was, by my very nature, an object of God’s wrath (Eph 2:3). I deserved NOTHING. My very existence meant that I was separated from God. Apart from God, I followed and would continue to follow the ways of the world (Eph 2:3), and my own evil thoughts and desires (Eph 2:3). Not only was I, by my very existence, an enemy of God, I was also a follower of Satan. It seems hard to picture this in someone who was saved as a young child, but even now, apart from Christ, I am all of those things.

BUT PRAISE GOD...Ephesians 2 goes on to explain to us that through Christ (2:5), I am made alive! Through Christ, I am shown God’s great mercy and given salvation. Through Christ, I can and will stand for the ways of truth. Through Christ I am no longer a slave to Satan, but am a child of God, free to love, serve, and sit with Him.

Now that is a testimony that does not sit in the past, with a one-time conversion experience. That is a testimony that does not just apply to those who had a life-changing, radical transformation. That is a powerful and life-changing testimony that every believer can shout about from the rooftops. That is a testimony that unites every believer, whether their previous lifestyle looks more like the apostle Paul or the missionary kid Suzanne. That is a testimony that instead of pointing to a personal transformation, points to the power of being “in Christ.”

So, sisters, let us be unafraid of sharing our personal testimonies - no matter how radical or “un-radical” they may appear to us to be. Let us share what Christ has saved us from, and what He continues to lead us to - being God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Eph 2:10).

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 Suzanne Hines wants to live in a world where sunflowers bloom in eternal summer, where her children play instead of argue and where her family has an endless budget for travel. When she's not loving her husband, training and teaching her three children, and spreading education on the foster care system, you can find her writing, reading or running outside!

Her favorite Scripture is Romans 12:12 "...be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer..." (NIV)

I do not know where to begin.
I do not know what it is to hear a last breath.
I do not know what it is to witness death’s arrival firsthand.
I do not know what it is to lose an only child or a dear friend.

I do know an adult takes 12 to 20 breaths in a minute.
I do know there are 9 to 12 pints of blood in the human body.
I do know grief cannot be contained by words.

I’ve read of Jesus’ death through the accounts of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. These are stories I have heard for far longer than I have understood their gravity. They tell of Jesus being whipped, a cruelty shaped by leather lashes studded with bone and metal (Mt. 27:26, Mk. 15:15). They speak of a twisted, thorny crown forced upon His head (Mt. 27:29, Mk. 15:17, Jn. 19:2). They recall a wooden crossbar and Jesus’ beaten body hung from it. They recount the darkness, His forsaken cry, a last breath. Death.

And in the wake of a torn curtain, I am undone.

I know what it is to exalt myself at the cost of another. I know what it is to accuse innocence. I know guilt intimately. My hands have dripped with it. Like Lady Macbeth, all the perfumes of Arabia could not sweeten these hands. The stains run too deep; I am marred with an inheritance of fault and a livelihood of selfishness.

I’m loved because God is worthy of it. I am loved because of who He is. As deeply as this shatters me, it was never about me. It’s about Him.

Yet despite my guilt before others - but more importantly before a God who is wholly other - someone else has come to take the punishment that I deserve. How could I be loved like this? Why would someone innocent take on my guilt? Why did Jesus choose to endure the pain I deserved, the death that was meant for me?

And I realize my focus is misplaced. I’m loved because God is worthy of it. I am loved because of who He is. As deeply as this shatters me, it was never about me. It’s about Him. It always has been. And it always will be. God alone is deserving of our affections and attention. And to make a way for me to love Him rightly, to glorify Him as He is worthy, He sent Jesus to do the very thing that I cannot do for myself.

I cannot restore what has broken, I cannot mend my own heart, I cannot correct the course of sin and send hope ahead to forge a new way. But a way of hope has been made, born of the blood Jesus; the only thing that could fully absolve my guilt. Because He bled, I can know life; I can know love.

What do I do with a love like that? A love that offers forgiveness in the dark. A love that gives peace knowing it will cost an innocent life. The life of a Son. Jesus. Only Jesus.

I now know where to begin.

While grief cannot be contained by words, Love cannot be contained by death. And as there is hope woven into the future, it is also anchored in the past. In the silent three days of death that then erupted in life. Life renewed in the broken body of a Savior, the Christ, God with us. Life restored to my guilty heart through pain I cannot understand.

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 Robin Zastrow wants to live in a world where coffee never gets cold and kindness abounds. When she's not discovering the wonders of construction paper and cardboard tubes with her two little ones, you can find her sneaking in another few pages of a book or jotting down bits of writing on scraps of paper.

One of her favorite Scriptures is:“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” Psalm 33:20-22 ESV